Working On It Wednesday: Bitterness

I have gone back and forth with myself about sharing this, but I said I would be real on this blog, and that means the good and the bad. Anyone who knows me knows that I had my son at a young age, and until recently whenever anyone mentioned me having another baby I would almost hiss at the thought as if I were a vampire and the very idea of me having another child was my garlic or silver stake.

However, something changed in me, slowly, over the last year and I found myself starting to warm up to the idea. When I thought of having another baby I no longer felt an overwhelming fear. It was as if I were building up a surplus of love so that when I did have another baby I wouldn't, um, totally flip out. Slowly I thawed. I thawed and thawed until one day I woke up and I found myself aching for a new bundle of joy to fill the extra love that had somehow made its way to me. Now, G and I are both in agreement that we need to wait until "the time is right" to add another addition to the family... Okay, fine. Let me enjoy the precious time I have with H while I can devote all of my mommy attention to him. The ache remains, but it's bearable. Most of the time.

This just so happens, however, to be the time where pretty much all of my friends, acquaintances, and anyone I meet is getting pregnant or is at least working on their second baby. And announcing it. Obnoxiously.

I can't blame them! If I were pregnant I would shout it from the roof tops as well! I, too, would force thousands of ultrasounds on my unsuspecting Facebook colleagues! They should be proud of their motherhood, and I'm happy for them.

...So why am I not happy all at the same time? Why does the longing get worse with each announcement? Why is it that every time someone announces their pregnancy, you can expect to hear a quite audible, "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME." coming from somewhere. It may be coming from me, but you can't prove it. I harbor so much anger about my circumstances that the next person who tells me, "You're young, you have plenty of time to have another baby!" is probably going to get a swift kick in the shin. Jealousy is a disease, and I am plagued with it. My friends that are pregnant or ttc? Jealous. My friends who are able to stay at home with their children? Overwhelmingly jealous. This is going to be a hard "working on it." challenge... But I'm trying. No one likes a bitter friend. No one wants to share good news and not be met with enthusiasm. It's hard to admit when we are wrong, and I really hate feeling this way. It's not healthy.

I'm trying so hard to be a more positive person. I am, by nature, a pessimist. So this is the first step in bettering myself. Facing up to it, and admitting it. And you know what? It's okay. Because I'm working on it.