Why You Can (and Should) Be Your Child's Friend

The older H gets, the more I'm seeing him as an actual person rather than my baby. I have always said he's like my little adult, and through the years I've had to remind myself that he's not an adult pretty often. Especially when we're in a restaurant and he stops in the middle of an intelligent conversation to yell, "HEY MOM, YA SMELL THAT? COS I FARTED." Four has been a fun age...

We've recently began having a lot of conversations, and it's something I cherish. I have always loved being with him, but lately that's different too because I'm really noticing that the things I do are shaping him. I am realizing that he now knows what it is to lie and what it is to be honest, and he needs to know that while he can lie, he doesn't have to. I'm realizing that he needs my love now more than ever because if I were to take it away, he notices. He gets lonely, he gets frustrated, he gets excited, and I want him to feel comfortable sharing all of it with me. If we're watching Phineas and Ferb, I'll look at him every now and then and smile at him so that he knows I enjoy doing even the simplest of things with him. He has told me on more than one occasion that he thinks I'm his best friend, and right now I'm okay with that. I love that. But I see a lot of scrutiny when it comes to it.

"When you treat your child like a friend, you're telling them that they are your peer, and that their power is equal to yours."

Okay.

This is my issue with the whole "You can't be friends with your children" thing; Being a parent and being a friend are not mutually exclusive.You can be a friend to your child and make them comfortable without letting them run your home, without over-sharing, and without losing respect on either side. Is it going to be smooth sailing all the time? No way, and there are of course going to be situations when you need to be all parent, and situations in which you just need to be there for your children, regardless of who is "in charge". I am my child's friend, but he still picks up after himself. He still goes to time out when he is disrespectful, and I will still spank him if the situation calls for it. However, I treat my child with the respect I feel he deserves, and in return he is learning to respect me by example. He is not my worker. He is not my inferior. He is my son, and those words are not synonymous.

My children are going to go through incredible things, and while I wish I could shield them from the heartaches of this life, I can't. I can, however, be wise enough to know that they are going to need a safe place from time to time, and that I am going to need to be that safe place for them. Life is scary and life is difficult. Growing up is scary and growing up is difficult. I don't want to be scary and difficult too. I don't want to give my child the impression that he is a burden to me or that he "owes me one" for putting him into existence, when in fact it is I who owe him. I owe H the opportunity to have a wonderful childhood to look back on when times get tough later on. I owe him a proper upbringing, and I owe it to him to be a good example. When it comes time for him to do the important things, like choosing a wife, or finding his first church home outside of the one he grows up in, I want him to know he can come to me with it.

Saying you can not be a friend to your child completely limits what parenting and friendship really mean. I set boundaries with my friends, and I am able to set boundaries with my child. I want to be able to connect with him for the short time that I have with him. He needs to learn what love, communication, etiquette, and relationships are all about, and I feel he is more apt to listen to me if I come to him with the respect I would give to any other human. I will never stop pouring love into my relationship with my son, and he will never not have a friend in his mother.

And no, I'm not "messing him up."